Controlling Behavior:
Where it Stems From, What You Can do if You are a Controller
by www.Sedona.com Are you constantly telling your co-workers how to do their jobs better? Nagging your spouse to do things more like you do? Incessantly questioning your teen about who he's going to ask to the Homecoming dance? If so, you may be exhibiting some classic signs of a controlling person, namely needing to control the actions of others for fear that they will fail miserably without your advice. "People who are controlling have a basic insecurity and lack of trust for life and other people," says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of Sedona Training Associates. "They feel that either they are the only ones who can do the job or that they need to micromanage others to force them to do what is right." Often, controlling people have good intentions. They're telling you what to do for your own good, because they're sure that you won't know what to do otherwise. And while some controlling behaviors are obvious - demanding that you do something, or telling you how and when to do it - others are much more subtle (though just as invasive). A controlling person may: Be a master at guilting you into things. "But you know I hate driving downtown, why can't you just pick up my parents at the airport for me?" Put conditions on their love for you. "If you don't keep the house more tidy, I'm going to move in with my brother." Threaten self-destruction to get their way. "I might do something crazy if you don't come home by 11." Make you feel like you owe it to them. "I quit my job to raise you, the least you can do is spend some time with me." Belittle you or make you feel incompetent. "Look what happened the last time you went against my advice." Act incompetent, victimized, sick or too stressed to do something, just so you have to do it. "I'm so exhausted I couldn't possibly stay late today to finish this report, could you do it?" Intimidate you into doing what they want. "Don't make me tell you again or you'll be sorry!"
"Controlling behaviors not only cause stress to the ones who are being controlled but the people who are controlling usually feel very stressed as well because they can never fully let go," Dwoskin says. "This is obviously not just in business relations but in family and familiar relations as well." Getting to the Root of Controlling Behavior and Letting it Go At the heart of controlling people is an intense fear of losing control of their life, from a personal, financial, or professional perspective. All control stems from a lack of confidence in yourself, and in the people in your life. "Controlling people are holding onto a feeling of being out of control, so they are desperately trying to do external things to regain the control and security they feel they are lacking," Dwoskin says. If you are a controlling person, The Sedona Method can help you to regain the self-esteem and confidence you need to stop trying to control others. It works by teaching you how to release the negative emotions like fear, chaos or anxiety that are causing you to try to control the people in your life. Once you learn how to let go of the fear of what will happen if you loosen your grip on those around you, you will be able to feel confident in other's decisions. They WILL get the job done. They won't leave you. The world will continue to go on. All the while, you'll feel happier than you likely have in years, because the weight of feeling like you have to make sure things happen a certain way will have been lifted off your shoulders.
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