Friendship Between Men:
Why it’s Nearly Extinct and How You Can Reverse That by Hale Dwoskin for www.Sedona.com “If a man does not make new acquaintance as he
advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone.
A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair.” --18th century author Samuel Johnson Adult friendships -- those that extend beyond the college years and the doors of your office -- take effort to maintain. As people grow older, they have a tendency to focus on their immediate relationships with their spouse and their children, and those people who are not always around in the everyday can easily fall by the wayside. With men, close friendships that extend into adulthood are particularly rare. While it’s hard for any adult to make a new friend, it’s far more socially acceptable for a woman to open herself up to friendship than it is for a man. Men do face greater barriers when it comes to adult friendships, and research has shown usually have significantly fewer friends than do women. But these barriers can, and certainly should, be overcome. Social Barriers to Adult Male Friendships While women’s friendships are often based on self-revealing, sharing, accepting and intimacy, men tend to shy away from such closeness. Research has shown that there are at least three reasons why this is so: - Competition: Men are competitive with one another (and therefore may feel a need to constantly “one-up” their friend).
- Traditional masculine stereotypes: Strong cultural stereotypes exist that suggest “real men” shouldn’t be emotional, intimate or dependent on other people -- particularly other men. The stereotypes also frown upon men showing a need or desire for close friendship.
- Fear of homosexuality: Many men fear that if they appear too close with their male friends, they’ll be seen as homosexual.
Because of these reasons, some experts agree that male friendships are often not as close as they could be. Men’s friendships are “indeed less intimate and supportive than are women’s,” says Barbara J. Bank, professor emeritus at the University of Missouri-Columbia . Men Achieve Closeness by Doing Things Together Men’s relationships, though perhaps not as actively intimate as women’s, can be close and very beneficial. But instead of basing the friendship on sharing and emotional intimacy, men tend to develop bonds by being active together. "In contrast to women, who emphasize emotional closeness, men have friendships based on activities they do together," says Koji Ueno, Ph.D., an assistant professor of sociology at Florida State University . According to one researcher, male friendships can even be broken down into three types, characterized by the type of activities that occur: - “Activity friends,” such as a golf partner or poker buddy.
- “Convenience friends,” based on the exchange of favors. "Favors are guy currency," says Adam Lynn, Psy.D., a psychologist in New York City . "It's how they express how much they care about each other."
- “Mentor friends,” which are typically between a younger man and an older man.
Male Friendships are Extremely Beneficial No matter how men express affection for their friends, be it watching football together, joking around, helping with a move or rebuilding a car engine, experts agree that male friendships are beneficial. Says sociologist Scott Swain, male intimacy, or “closeness in doing,” is indeed powerful, and other experts say male friendships serve to buffer stress and reduce depression in the same way that friendships between women do. Men, Here’s How to Make, and Maintain, Adult Friendships: - Overcome emotional barriers, stereotypes and biases. The Sedona Method is an easy-to-use program that shows you how to tap your natural ability to let go of negative thought or communication patterns that may be keeping you from establishing meaningful adult friendships. This scientifically proven method will help you to communicate more effectively, take action toward meeting new people and teach you to let go of any fears that may be keeping your from a close friendship.
- Join a club/class/organization that interests you. Whether it’s painting, bicycling or investing, if you immerse yourself in an activity you love, it’s easy to meet others who enjoy doing the same things.
- Do favors for your neighbors, and ask for favors from them. As studies have shown, men often bond over helping one another out. So if your neighbor asks to borrow a ladder, offer to give him a hand with the entire project. Likewise, don’t be afraid to ask your neighbors for help when you need it.
- Establish a weekly time to meet with friends. To maintain contact with the friends you do have, set up a time each week to get together and see a movie, watch a sporting event or do whatever activity you like. The key is making a set time to regularly spend time with “the guys.”
Sources:
Gender Patterns in Friendships
Men’s Health
Psychology Today Get Ready for a Breakthrough.
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