Marriage Arguments
and How to Dramatically Reduce or Even Eliminate Them
by www.Sedona.com Every married couple argues. This is one fact you can be sure of. When two people attempt to meld their lives together, as is done in marriage, it cannot even be expected that there won’t be times of disagreement. This is human nature, plain and simple. Arguing is not inherently bad, either. In marriage, occasional arguments can help couples to communicate, to voice opinions, even to add a little spice to the daily grind. That said, too much arguing, or arguments that involve hurtful actions or feelings, can drain the life out of even the most solid marriage. Why do Married Couples Argue? You’ve already committed to spending your lives together, so why waste time going back and forth, arguing over what “he said” and “she said”? Here’s why: because arguments almost always start due to some need that’s not being met. And it rarely REALLY has to do with the actual topic of the argument. On the surface, couples may argue about money, the kids, sex, or household chores. Often it is the little things (“he never balances the check book,” or “she used up the hot water in the shower”) that erupt into arguments. Underneath it all, though, it’s not the finances, the house, the kids or any of the practical matters in between that are bothering you. Rather, it’s the (often hidden) deeper need that’s causing the spat. Key underlying causes of marriage arguments include: • Not feeling appreciated
• Needing more affection
• Not feeling respected
• Feeling insecure
• Built up resentments from the past (such as a forgotten birthday)
• Feeling you’re carrying more of the responsibility/burden
If you examine some of your own marriage arguments a bit more closely, you will likely begin to see how an argument over the dishes may stem from feeling unappreciated, or an argument over saving for retirement corresponds to feelings of insecurity about the future. Reduce, or Eliminate, Your Marriage Arguments Arguments do not have to be a common occurrence in your marriage, particularly if you follow these simple tactics to a happier, more peaceful marriage: • Be empathetic. Showing empathy means you put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and really see things from their perspective. • Stop Trying to Prove Your Point. When arguing, it’s easy to get caught up in wanting to prove your point and “be right” at any cost. However, letting go of the need to be right will make you happier overall. “Let go of wanting to make the other person see the problem from your point of view -- and let go of wanting to defend, justify, explain or prove your point of view,” says Hale Dwoskin, CEO and director of training of Sedona Training Associates. “Instead, do your best to see it from theirs. Once you can see things from their point of view, your resolution is natural.” The Sedona Method, a simple, do-it-yourself tool, can show you how to easily let go of this need to prove your point, as well as the underlying feelings fanning the flames of the argument. • Be kind to your spouse. A few kind words, a compliment in the morning, and an “I love you” before bed, can go a long way toward showing your significant other how you really feel. Likewise, during arguments avoid name-calling, swearing or saying other hurtful remarks. • Take responsibility. If you did do something that was hurtful to your spouse, take responsibility by admitting it, apologizing, and moving forward from there. • Give thanks. Show your spouse that you appreciate him or her by expressing gratitude for all they do, and regularly doing things for him or her, as well. • Look at the “big picture.” When you feel yourself getting drawn in to an argument, remind yourself of what really matters: chances are that overall you and your spouse are happy and still in love. Reminding yourself of this sooner, rather than later, can save you both a lot of unnecessary grief.
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