The “Mothering Syndrome:”
The Signs, Risks and Solutions to Mothering
Your Significant Other Too Much
by www.Sedona.com
One of the best things about being in a relationship is having someone who cares about you. Someone to worry if you’re not home on time, cheer you up when you’re having a bad day and even motivate you to go to the gym when you’d rather be watching the “Three Stooges” marathon on cable.
What you’ll notice about all of these things, though, is that you probably used to (some decades ago) hear them from your mother. And it is quite natural for women especially but also for men to take on a nurturing, caring role for their partner. This is to be encouraged and is often a trait sought after by those looking for love. But there is a very fine line between caring and supporting your significant other and mothering them to the point where they feel smothered.
Perhaps your partner has repeatedly called you the three-letter “N” word (nag) or maybe you can see signs of it in yourself (but you try not to admit it). Either way, if you feel a widening gap between you and your spouse, or a shift in the way you see him or her, your relationship may be in the clutches of “mothering syndrome.”
When “Caring” Becomes “Mothering”
Most people do like being taken care of to some extent, but no adult wants to be treated like a child. How do you know if you’ve crossed the line and begun to “mother” your spouse to the point where your relationship is in danger? Here are the top signs to watch out for:
• You want to change your partner’s beliefs or habits
• You often correct or criticize your partner
• You feel your partner isn’t capable of doing things without you (even small things, like loading the dishwasher)
• You give your partner “instructions” and nag him or her to do them
• You feel like you are the only adult in the house
• You demand that your partner do things your way (such as eating what you eat or going to bed when you do)
• You use a reprimanding tone of voice when speaking to your partner
• You often belittle your partner’s choices, mannerisms or routines
A common complaint of people facing “mothering syndrome” is that they have to tell their partner what to do because he or she acts like a big child. As it turns out, the more a person is treated like a child, the more they will tend to take on that role.
Why “Mothering” Doesn’t Work in Adult Relationships
Mothering a child is one thing. Children need rules and limits; they need to learn where the boundaries are and how to stay within them. Adults, however, already know the rules and need to take responsibility for their own decisions, choices and lives. This is where having a “mothering” partner can severely backfire.
In a study led by psychologist Tanya Chartrand of Duke University, it was found that the more you nag your spouse to do something, the less likely they are to do it. (And ironically Chartrand conducted the study because she couldn’t get her husband to do what she wanted.)
The study involved “subliminally priming” psychology students with a name of someone they perceived as either wanting them to “work hard” or “have fun.” (This was done by flashing the person’s name before the students so quickly that it could only be perceived subconsciously.) The students then had to take a test and, in the spirit of rebellious teenagers, those who thought they were expected to work hard did much more poorly than those who were expected to have fun.
"These results suggest that for individuals who perceive a significant other to be highly controlling, subliminally priming the name of that significant other causes these individuals to automatically do the opposite of that which the significant other wishes," the researchers said.
In other words, the more controlling or demanding a partner is, the more likely it is that their significant other will do just the opposite of what they’re demanding.
How to Stop Mothering (But Still Care for) Your Partner
People who are “over-mothered” by their partners often report the same thing: they don’t feel respected. In any relationship, and particularly in those where one person is trying to control and/or change the other, respect is a critical, but often missing, component to improve your relationship.
If you are a “motherer,” giving your partner respect will allow him or her to feel valued and equal to you. This means allowing your significant other to make decisions and do things their own way while you support and encourage him or her. While this may be difficult at first – people who tend to “mother” their partners are often very controlling and reluctant to let go of their control – it can be easily accomplished by learning The Sedona Method.
This scientifically proven tool will help you identify the underlying feelings – such as fear of loneliness, anxiety or anger – causing you to mother your partner, and more importantly, will show you how to release them. Letting go of negative emotions, thoughts and behaviors is the key to open and mutually respectful communication between you and your partner. Learn to release this negativity with The Sedona Method and rediscover the love, trust and enjoyment that a healthy relationship should bring.
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